


Thanks for Choosing Bagged!

by dinnfameron



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Drunk Texting, First Kiss, M/M, Meet-Cute, Miscommunication, My First Fanfic, POV David Rose, Pre-Relationship, Texting, david rose is a grocery delivery person, idiots to boyfriends, patrick is his customer, patrick is never not trolling david, patrick's picnics never go as planned, rating is for language, trolling as a love language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25211851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinnfameron/pseuds/dinnfameron
Summary: "Ok I love you, now please thanks wine."As soon as David hit send and saw the message migrate from the draft box to the text conversation, he felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.Shit. He'd sent it to the customer. He'd sent it to Patrick. Did that seriously just happen?
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 220
Kudos: 442





	1. Please Thanks Wine

**_hey I'm gonna do a shop real quick, so I need you to bring the wine to Roland's bbq thing_ **

David slipped the fugly red lanyard over his neck, sliding his phone into his back pocket as he pulled the motel room door closed behind him. It was still ungodly hot for 7 p.m., but he resigned himself to his sweaty fate and drew his sunglasses over his eyes as he made his way to the car.

Gig work wasn’t exactly glamorous, but it was easy money. David wasn’t about to allow strangers into his vehicle (he didn’t want to be _murdered_ , thank you very much), so he’d ruled out Uber right away. And DoorDash was weirdly oversaturated with drivers for such a small town, though David suspected that several of the profiles were actually Ray. So David had been delivering groceries for Bagged for a few months, and honestly? He’d had worse jobs.

It was a simple enough construct: everything was done through an app. David went to the store, got what was on the customer’s list, then delivered it to their door. He’d gleaned early on that communicating with the customer throughout the shopping trip translated to better tips, so he made sure to send frequent texts via the temporary number Bagged assigned him for each order.

The thing David actually liked about this job was that he could do it whenever he wanted. He wasn’t really a morning person, but he had no qualms about taking evening orders. And, with his parents insisting that he and Alexis both attend this ridiculous barbecue Roland and Jocelyn were hosting, he now had the perfect excuse to show up late. Surely his parents would forgive him when they realized he was out earning money?

He just needed to make sure that Alexis brought the wine now that he wouldn’t have time to make an extra stop. He heard his phone chime with an incoming text but waited until he’d pulled safely into a space in the grocery store parking lot before checking it.

_(ALEXIS) what nooo david its not your turn to take a selfish!!_

David rolled his eyes.

**_I'm not taking a selfish, I'm making money! Money which I need to put gas in my car in order to drive you around on all your little errands._ **

He slammed the driver’s side door a little too hard and pulled up the Bagged app as he headed inside. The order details informed him the customer’s name was Patrick. He clicked ‘Send an introduction message’ and took a deep, calming breath. 

**_Hi Patrick! This is your Bagged shopper, David. I'm about to begin shopping your order so just let me know if you want to add any items to your list. Thanks for choosing Bagged!_ **

God, he wanted to gouge his own eyes out. But, customers liked friendly shoppers, and he needed a good tip, so. In a moment he had a response from the customer’s temporary number:

_(317-555-4649) Great, thanks._

He grabbed a cart and began shopping Patrick’s order. It was average stuff: cereal, milk, bread, peanut butter, tea, and a few cans of soup. David liked to play a game where he tried to guess based on the ingredients what the customer was planning to do with the items. He knew very little about cooking, so he wasn’t very good at the game, but sometimes it was obvious: one order had consisted of margarita mix, tequila, limes, avocado, onion, salsa, and a bag of tortilla chips. This order didn’t have a pattern David could see, though. 

_(ALEXIS) uggggghhhhh fine david. But first you have to say the magic words._

David stopped in the middle of the cereal aisle & glared at his phone. He really didn’t have time for Alexis’s little games right now. If he was to be expected to be civil to Roland Schitt, then he would require alcohol.

He supposed he could technically buy a bottle for himself while he was shopping Patrick’s order, but that seemed unprofessional, and he didn’t like burdening the checkout staff with multiple orders like that. Besides, if he didn’t deliver Patrick’s order on time, his rating would drop. He didn’t have time to waste on extra checkouts. 

_(317-555-4649) Hey would you mind grabbing a bottle of Robitussin? If they have like an extra strength variety, that would be great._

**_Sure thing!_** he told Patrick, pausing to add the request to the order in the app before pulling his convo with Alexis back up.

**_Just get the wine, Alexis._ **

He worked his way through the rest of the dry goods aisles before heading to the dairy section for Patrick’s milk.

_(ALEXIS) Hmm pretty sure those aren't the right magic words david_

David scanned the half gallon of milk he was holding and dropped it unceremoniously into the cart before shooting off his reply.

**_I’m not playing this game with you._ **

He felt the corners of his mouth pulling up and pursed his lips together obstinately. He would not smile at his sister’s stupid attempt to get him to say something kind to her. He simply would not.

 _(ALEXIS) Come onnnn david. Just 3 little words & Ill get you ur wine._ 😉

David felt himself smiling at his phone. God, she was the worst. He checked over Patrick’s order to make sure he had all the grocery items. He only needed to grab the cough medicine, and then he’d be on his way.

**_Ok Patrick, I’ll be headed to checkout soon. Any other items you’d like to add?_ **

He slid his phone back into his pocket and headed to the pharmacy. After a moment, though, he pulled it back out, huffing and rolling his eyes as though Alexis could see him. He wanted the wine, didn’t he? He could send the reply that he knew would make her smile.

**_Ok I love you, now please thanks wine._ **

As soon as David hit send and saw the message migrate from the draft box to the text conversation, he felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.

Shit. He'd sent it to the customer. He'd sent it to _Patrick_. Did that seriously just happen? Shit shit shit. 

David stood in the middle of the aisle, staring at his phone like an idiot, wondering what to do. Maybe he should just leave? Forget Patrick’s order, quit working for Bagged, change his name, and immigrate to another country?

He allowed his embarrassment and anxiety to overwhelm him for a moment. Then he realized that no, it wasn’t that bad. He sent a text to the wrong person; it happens. Chris Hemsworth had once sent him a _very_ intimate text by mistake that was supposed to go to his wife. David still had the photo saved on his phone. 

He took a breath and decided just to acknowledge the awkwardness.

**_Wow, so sorry Patrick. That wasn't meant for you, obviously. That text was supposed to go to my sister._ **

David stood there staring at his phone for a few more moments, but there was no response from Patrick. Fuck. There was his tip gone, then. He hoped this guy didn't report him. It was an honest mistake, surely he could understand that at least?

He made his way to the pharmacy and realized that, of course, he’d have to text Patrick to make sure that the cough medicine he chose was okay.

**_Um, so they have this Robitussin Severe Maximum Strength Nighttime formula that looks pretty intense. Would that be okay?_ **

David sent a picture of the bottle for good measure and stood there waiting for Patrick’s response. He bit his lip, but fortunately he didn’t have to wait long.

_(317-555-4649) Yes that’s perfect & I love you too. _

David started at the words before his face broke out into a small, relieved smile. Patrick had a sense of humor, thank god. He wasn't going to be fired, probably.

_(317-555-4649) But I don’t have any wine, sorry._

David scanned the cough medicine and tapped out his reply, using his hip and forearms to awkwardly steer the cart toward checkout.

**_Oh that’s okay! My sister is getting the wine. I'm not a wino or anything; I feel like I should make that known. I'm just going to this thing later with my family thrown by a very eccentric, um, family friend & let's just say that alcohol would increase everyone's chances of survival. _ **

He was rambling. He knew he was rambling but seemed unable to control it. He should definitely stop telling this complete stranger everything about his life. 

_(317-555-4649) Hey I get it. I wasn't judging you._

**_Ok, thanks for being understanding._ **

_(317-555-4649) No problem. I hope you have fun at your family thing. Or maybe fun isn't the right word. I hope you survive?_

**_That’s probably the best we can hope for._ **

_(317-555-4649) Lol well godspeed then._

**_Thank you, you're kind. So I’m in line to check out & I’ll be there with your delivery ASAP. _ **

_(317-555-4649) Can’t wait._

David was smiling at his phone in the checkout line like an idiot. This Patrick guy was funny, and nice. It was always a roll of the dice with these orders. Most customers were sweet and seemed grateful for David's efforts, but every so often he would get a real jackass. But rarely had he interacted with a customer that he almost felt like he could be friends with. He found that he relished it, a little bit.

As he loaded Patrick’s groceries into his trunk, his phone chirped with another text notification. He was a little disappointed to see it was from Alexis. He really didn’t have the patience after the momentary torture her little game had just put him through. 

_(ALEXIS) David! You still haven’t said the magic words_

**_Fuck off alexis. Bring wine or perish._ **

_(ALEXIS) Ugh rude! But yes i have the wine see you in 30. 😘😘_

_+++++_

David felt weirdly nervous as he drove to Patrick's, though he couldn’t place his finger on why. Patrick was _just_ a customer. David didn’t know the first thing about him, and it wasn’t like he was ever going to interact with him again. An hour after he marked the order delivered, they’d lose access to their temporary numbers, and he’d have no way of getting in touch with him.

As he loaded Patrick’s grocery bags onto one arm, David reminded himself that there was nothing to be nervous about.

When the door to Patrick’s apartment swung open, David realized he’d been wrong. There absolutely was something to be nervous about, because Patrick was an entire snack. His close-cropped brown hair was mussed on one side, like he’d been sleeping, but his warm brown eyes were bright and friendly. He wore a dingy plain white tee shirt that decidedly had not been washed with like colors and gray sweatpants that looked incredibly soft and snuggly while also complementing Patrick’s legs and hips, and he was barefoot. He smiled at David.

“Hi, David? I’m Patrick,” David said, and wanted immediately for the hideous hallway carpet to open up and swallow him. He grimaced. Why could he not keep it together with this guy?

“Ah, so you _have_ been into the wine, then,” Patrick said, without missing a beat.

“Nope, dead sober, unfortunately.”

Patrick chuckled a little, before stepping back to let him through. “Come on in, David.”

He seemed to sort of hang from the door as he pulled it open wider. David cast him a concerned glance as he walked by.

“Um, are you okay?”

Patrick followed behind him, gesturing for David to set the bags on the counter once they made it to the kitchen. “I’m just a little under the weather.”

“You look, um, unwell.”

Patrick chuckled again. “Thanks, that’s always nice to hear.”

“No, sorry, you look really good, it’s just, um-” David flushed at Patrick’s amused expression. “You look…tired.”

Patrick smiled at him again, though David noticed even his smile seemed tired.

“I’ll be fine. I’m going to take some of that Robitussin you brought me and hopefully crash. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning. Let me just grab your tip.” Patrick moved to the kitchen table and pulled his wallet from under a pile of papers.

“Are you sure I can’t do anything for you?" David asked. "I could, um,” he dug through one of the bags and pulled out a can. “I could warm up some of this soup?”

Patrick gave him a fond smile. “That’s really nice of you, but no, I think I just need to sleep.” He handed David some cash. “Besides, I don’t want to keep you from your barbecue.”

David could've been mistaken, but he could swear Patrick was smirking at him like it was some kind of joke.

“Oh, thank you,” he said, half-sarcastic and half-genuine. “That’s very thoughtful.” He held up the cash. “And thanks for this.”

“Thank _you_ ,” Patrick said, all sincerity now, and gestured to the bags strewn about his kitchen counter. “For this. I really appreciate it, David.”

He walked David to the door and they exchanged a friendly wave as David headed back down the hall toward the stairs. As he folded himself into the driver’s seat, his phone chirped.

_(317-555-4649) Thanks again, David. You saved my life today._

He was smiling at his phone again as he typed out his reply.

**_Oh wow, bit of an exaggeration but I'll take it. I hope you feel better, Patrick._ **

_(317-555-4649) Thanks. I hope you enjoy your wine._

**_Oh thank you I will._ **

He almost, _almost_ texted his number to Patrick. As he drove to Roland & Jocelyn’s, he was already forming in his mind how he would do it casually. He’d say something like, ‘hey, in case you need any more medicine or anything, just let me know, here’s my real number.’ It wouldn’t even seem like he was trying to, like, slip Patrick his number. It would just seem like he was a concerned person who was looking out for a fellow person who was feeling under the weather. 

But by the time he pulled up in front of the Schitt residence, he knew it would be a mistake to cross that line. Patrick was a customer. A nice, funny, hot little slice of a customer, but a customer nonetheless. David knew where he lived; he’d been inside Patrick’s home, and he was not going to make Patrick feel uncomfortable or unsafe by giving him his number unsolicited.

He made his way to the backyard, where the barbecue was well underway, a fizzy feeling bubbling inside him. He was glad he’d met Patrick. Just because they’d likely never see each other again didn’t mean he couldn’t revel in having flirted (albeit awkwardly) with a cute guy.

“Oh, David, you’re here!” Alexis bounced over to him, already looking a little glassy eyed, a drink in one hand and a more-than-half-empty bottle in the other.

“Uh, yeah, I’m here." He briefly considered scolding her for her little game from earlier but decided it was better not to give her any more ammunition. She already knew about most of the stupid things he'd ever done, admitting he'd said 'I love you' to a customer wasn't a good idea. "Tell me you brought more wine than this?” he said instead.

“Please, David, what am I an amateur? I brought enough for you, me, and mom.”

“Okay, so seven bottles?”

Alexis had already floated away toward the Schitts’ back deck. She opened up a large blue tote bag and inside, sure enough, were several additional bottles of wine.

“Jocelyn can show you where the cups are,” she informed him and flounced away.

David grabbed the nearest bottle and scanned the crowd for Jocelyn. He’d need to know where the corkscrew was as well. Once he’d tracked her down, opened the bottle, and poured himself a glassful (a plastic Solo cupful, actually. The Schitt’s weren’t exactly known for their elegance.), he was struck with a moment of inspiration.

He was going to send a picture to Patrick. It wasn’t crossing the line, David didn’t think, to send him one last pic showing that he’d finally gotten his wine, a reference to the little joke between them. Maybe it would make Patrick smile as he drifted off, all doped up with cough medicine and snuggly in his sleeping clothes. David slung his phone out of his pocket and pulled up the Bagged app.

His face fell as soon as he saw the messaging page. Patrick’s number was already gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by something I saw in a FB group I belong to for gig workers of a certain Bagged-esque grocery delivery app which shall remain nameless. Someone posted a screenshot where they'd accidentally sent a graphic saying 'I love you' to a customer, who very kindly had replied back with 'I love you too.' It struck me so hard that I launched myself off the couch at 10:30 p.m. to grab my laptop & write this entire thing in the dark like some kind of weirdo. 
> 
> I'm [dinnfameron](https://dinnfameron.tumblr.com) on tumblr come say hiiii.


	2. Is this David the Wine Guy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David is excited to see a certain someone's order pop up in the Bagged app again. Now if he can only keep it together around Patrick this time, they might just become friends after all.

It turned out he didn’t have to spend too long pining for the cute customer who got away, though. A week after that mortifying texting faux pas, David was in the middle of a Bagged shift when a new order popped up in the pool. He clicked into it, scanning the items and doing some quick yet complex mental math to decide whether the difficulty level of the shop and drive time for delivery would make the payout worth it.

He clicked into the map screen and realized, after a moment, the delivery address was Patrick’s building. He wasn’t sure, but he thought even the apartment number was the same. He quickly clicked back into the order details screen and, sure enough, there was the customer’s name: Patrick B.

The inside of David’s chest did an embarrassing little flip that, if questioned, he would not admit to. He’d had repeat customers before. There were a few customers he even considered his regulars by now. Just because Patrick had placed another order didn’t mean it had to be, like, a _thing_.

Maybe Patrick wouldn’t even remember him, and, oh, he didn’t want to examine the disappoint he felt about that. Instead, he clicked ‘Accept order,’ then pulled up the screen to send his introductory message.

_**Hi Patrick! This is your Bagged shopper, David. I'm about to begin shopping your order so just let me know if you want to add any items to your list. Thanks for choosing Bagged!** _

There, he told himself. He was being professional, treating Patrick like he would any other customer. If Patrick didn’t remember him, it was no big deal. Like before, he got an immediate response from Patrick’s temporary number.

(765-555-1438) _Is this David the wine guy? With the sister & the awkward family gathering?_

David’s heart did another embarrassing flip, and he told it to calm the fuck down.

**_Um not sure I like being known as ‘the wine guy,’ but yes. are you the same Patrick I professed my love to last week?_ **

_(765-555-1438) That was me. I'm glad I got you again!_

**_Same. Did you get over your cold?_ **

David grabbed a cart and began planning his route through the store, a small smile on his face. Patrick remembered him. Patrick was glad to hear from him again. 

_(765-555-1438) I did, thank you. And I assume all parties survived your family thing?_

**_Barely. My sister may have brought a little too much wine to the bbq. It took 3 of us to carry my mom to the car. There was a lot of flailing._ **

_(765-555-1438) Wow, that sounds like a good time then. So does your whole family live around here?_

David blinked at his phone in the middle of the coffee aisle. Patrick was asking him a personal question; were they doing those now? 

**_Yeah. We moved here a little while ago, actually. It’s just my parents, sister, and me._ **

Patrick didn’t respond right away, so David located the correct tea and scanned it, then moved on to the boxed pasta. He was just beginning to think Patrick had gotten busy with something else when his phone chimed with a new text.

_(765-555-1438) You’re lucky you get to see so much of them. My parents are a few hours away, I really miss them sometimes._

David stared at his phone for a long moment, trying to think of what to say. He hated to think of Patrick sitting alone in his apartment, feeling homesick and missing his family. But he also didn’t want to say anything that would pop this tentative bubble of friendship they’d created. Before he could decide how best to respond, though, another text came through. 

_(765-555-1438) Sorry, I don’t know why I told you that._

**_No, that’s ok. I mean, for the record, I think you’re crazy. I’d kill for my family to be a few hours away. At least._ **

David hoped that Patrick could tell he was teasing. Maybe he could get Patrick to smile, even if he couldn’t see it.

_(765-555-1438) Well, yeah, then you wouldn’t have to carry your mom to the car as often._

**_That’s the dream._ **

David made his way to the cereal aisle. He hoped Patrick was smiling by now.

**_Ok what is your deal with cereal?_ **

_(765-555-1438) I’m sorry?_

**_Last time you got lucky charms, cinnamon toast crunch, and cocoa krispies. This time its cocoa puffs, fruit loops, and freaking cookie crisp. Lotta cereal for one person._ **

**_Are you keeping a 7 year old in your basement or something?_ **

_(765-555-1438) Lol no._

_(765-555-1438) I let him go last month._

**_Ok don’t joke though because my sister has been held captive in basements thrice so I know it’s a very real danger._ **

_(765-555-1438) I’m not a kidnapper, David, I just like cereal. The seven-year-old is me._

**_Mmkay._ **

David finished up with the cereal and headed to grab the milk. It struck him as odd that the man would get three boxes of cereal but only a half-gallon of milk but figured it wasn’t his place to judge.

_(765-555-1438) Interesting that you remember what was in my order last time though._

**_Maybe I just have a good memory._ **

_(765-555-1438) Right. Can’t remember how to send a text to the intended recipient, but sure._

**_Ok I knew you were gonna throw that back in my face! It was an honest mistake._ **

_(765-555-1438) No, I know, I’m sorry._

**_Thank you._ **

_(765-555-1438) And hey, David?_

**_What._ **

_(765-555-1438) I still love you._

**_Omg ok I am headed to checkout now, so I’ll be there soon. Unless I decide to just throw your bags out by the side of the highway._ **

_(765-555-1438) That’s fair._

_(765-555-1438) See you soon._ ;)

_++++_

And that was how David found himself, once again, nervous on the drive to Patrick’s house. Unlike last time, he could safely say that he and Patrick were, if not technically friends, at least friendly. On the path to friendship, one could say. Unlike last time, David felt like he had something to lose. If he didn’t screw this up, then maybe he and Patrick would be one step closer to being friends. _Just friends?_ his brain supplied unhelpfully, and he respectfully told it to shut the fuck up.

Also, unlike last time, David was prepared for how attractive Patrick was _before_ he opened the door.

Patrick looked much more put together than last time, David noticed. He was wearing dark wash- oh god, were those _Levi’s?_ – and an Oxford blue button-up shirt with the first two buttons left undone. He wore socks this time but no shoes, and his hair was neatly combed. His whole look walked the line between consummate professionalism and lived-in coziness and it, weirdly, was working for him. A lot. His deep brown eyes were still bright and warm as he smiled at David. 

“Hello,” David said, a jolt of pride going through him at his own ability to emit a normal human greeting this time.

“Hi,” Patrick said, motioning him inside. “I see you decided not to throw my food out by the road.”

“Yes, well,” David huffed long-sufferingly, dumping the bags unceremoniously on Patrick’s counter. “I didn’t want my rating to go down, so.”

“Oh, you’ll be getting five stars from me for sure.” Patrick was looking at him with an unreadable face, but his eyes were twinkling. David had come to recognize it as the face Patrick wore when he was fucking with him, and he was getting a little addicted to it.

“I could help you put these away?” David offered, sweeping his hand over the bags. It wasn’t something he usually did for a customer, unless it was some frail old lady who looked like she couldn’t lift a gallon of milk unassisted. Patrick had his sleeves rolled up, showing off a pair of well-muscled forearms that David’s eyes lingered on just a touch longer than was strictly professional. He _definitely_ looked like he could lift a gallon of milk unassisted. But David also wasn’t in a hurry to leave yet.

For a moment, Patrick looked like he was considering David’s offer; then he shook his head.

“No, thanks, I can handle it. I don’t want to keep you from your other deliveries.” He seemed hesitant, then nodded once, decisively, to himself. “Let me just get your tip.”

David moved toward the door, masking his disappointment as well as he could. He didn’t know what he thought was going to happen. It wasn’t like Patrick was going to ask him to, what, stay? Hang out? To Patrick, he was just some random. Just because they exchanged witticisms while David was shopping for him didn’t mean anything. Maybe Patrick had just been bored and wanted someone to chat to while he waited for his laundry to dry or something.

Patrick had disappeared into another room, David realized, but now he was coming back with a bottle of something clutched in his hand.

“I, uh, I thought you could probably use this,” he said, presenting David with the bottle.

It was a bottle of wine, David realized. Nothing fancy, but certainly not something he’d say no to, either. Taped to the bottle was a little envelope with DAVID written on it in neat block print.

“You know, for those awkward family gatherings,” Patrick added. He was looking at David uncertainly, waiting for David’s reaction.

“Um, yes, wow. This is,” David took the bottle from Patrick, their fingers brushing as he did. “This is so nice of you.”

Patrick shrugged, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“It’s nothing special. I just thought, you know, you could use it.”

“Yeah, no. I love it. I will definitely be getting into this the next time I have to spend more than an hour with my family. Thank you.” He pulled the envelope from the bottle and began to open it, but Patrick put out a hand to stop him.

“Oh, um. You can open that later. It’s nothing.”

“Oh, okay.” David tucked the envelope into his back pocket. He bit the inside of his lip to keep his smile from overtaking his face. “Well, thank you again.”

“Yeah, you too.” Patrick’s voice was soft for a moment. He cleared his throat. “For the groceries.”

David slid the envelope out of his pocket as soon as he was safely ensconced in the driver’s seat of his car. Inside was a generous cash tip and a folded up slip of paper, ripped from a legal notepad.

David –

I really like talking to you. Maybe you would want to text me sometime outside of work? If not, that’s okay.

Enjoy the wine.

\- Patrick

Patrick’s number was scribbled at the bottom of the note.

++++

“That slick motherfucker.”

David hadn’t intended to open his gift quite so soon, but he had to gush to someone about this new development, which led to him spouting off a rushed narrative to Stevie while she sat behind the front desk at the motel, which led to Stevie placing a sign on the desk that said ‘Back in an hour’ and snatching a key to one of the unused rooms, which then led to David lying spread-eagle on the floor of said room, Stevie sitting criss-cross-applesauce beside him with her back up against one of the beds, the now nearly-empty bottle Patrick had given him between them.

“I know, right?”

“I mean, he planned this out, David. He went out and _bought_ a bottle of wine, wrote a little note, taped it to the bottle, and then just had it sitting there on the off chance that he’d see you again. Like-” Stevie took an inelegant swig from the bottle, “the sheer _level_ of forethought into planning that much smoothness, just to give you his number??”

Her eyes squinted, staring at nothing across the room. Her mouth was twisted in a grimace, half-awe, half-disgust.

“Okay, why do you seem mad about this?”

“I’m not mad.” She carded a hand through his hair. “I’m impressed. But, like, damn. Why’d _you_ have to find the last decent guy in Schitt’s Creek?”

David’s mouth quirked into a small smile.

“So what did he say?”

“What?”

“When you texted him?” she nudged his shoulder. “What did Patrick say?”

“Oh, I haven’t texted him yet.”

Now Stevie did look mad. She shook the bottle in his face.

“Why the hell not!?”

“Oh my god, I don’t know,” David angled himself away from her as best he could. “I – I was waiting for the right time.”

Stevie made a disgusted sound and moved to stand. She held onto the bed for what seemed an excessively long time but finally made it upright.

“I have to go back to work now,” she announced. “And you should really stop being, well, you, and text this guy before he moves onto some other grocery delivererer.”

“Mmkay I’m pretty sure Gwen and Darlene’s cousin are the only other Bagged employees working this zone-” David pointed out, but Stevie slammed the door behind her before he could finish- “so that seems unlikely!”

He stared up at the ceiling for a moment. Though he was loathe to admit it, Stevie was right; he really should text Patrick. Thank him for the tip, at least. He fumbled for his phone, eventually locating it under the closest bed. Stevie hadn’t left him much wine, but he settled his shoulders against the bed and pulled the bottle to his chest. He could finish it while he texted. He tried to think of a greeting that would make Patrick smile. 

**_Hey david, its patrick_ **

_(812-555-1563) Wow, tell me you haven’t finished that bottle of wine already._

**_I can neither confirm nor deny_**

**_Jk can confirm, the wine is gone. I thank you. Stevie thanks you._ **

_(812-555-1563) Stevie?_

**_My friend. I was telling her about you and she has this condition where she can’t be near a bottle of wine without drinking it. So we split it._ **

_(812-555-1563) Ah, I see. Well, I’m glad you and Stevie enjoyed it._

**_We did very much thanks. And thank you for the tip. And the note. And your number!_ **

_(812-555-1563) I wasn’t sure if that was okay._

**_No, it was for sure_ **

_(812-555-1563) Yeah? I tried to text you that first day, actually. But when I went in the app your number was gone. I didn’t know it did that._

**_Me too! I mean, I knew it did that. But I triied to text you and then yur number was already gone. ☹_**

_(812-555-1563) Oh good, that makes me feel better. I didn’t want to be creepy._

**_What? Ur not creepy ur all snuggly in your sweatpants_ **

_(812-555-1563)_ Um, thank you?

**_Yep welcome_ **

(812-555-1563) Hey, David?

**_What_ **

_(812-555-1563) Are you a little drunk, maybe?_

**_Mmmmmmm possibl_ **

_(812-555-1563) Okay, you should probably go take a nap. Sleep it off._

**_Ur a kind person_ **

_(812-555-1563) Thanks. Talk tomorrow?_

**_We can talk whenevr u liek_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow wow wow thanks for all the kind comments on Chapter 1. I’m usually a fandom lurker so I felt like I was sort of yammering into the void when I posted it, & it was v.v.v. encouraging to know that people were into it. I may have cried, Idk. 
> 
> To anyone wondering if this kind of interaction would even be possible in the grocery delivery world: It's normal to have repeat customers, and yes, you do sometimes get friendly and personal with people if the vibe is right. I personally don’t go into people’s homes unless, like I wrote, it’s an older person or someone who obviously needs help & explicitly asks me. It’s also common to receive gifts in addition to monetary tips. I’ve never been given alcohol, but I have been given food, especially candy, a few drawings made by adorable children, and since COVIDtimes started, lots of disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer, & Lysol spray. 
> 
> I just thought David would use his job to come up with all sorts of excuses to be around Patrick more, and that Patrick “Olive Branch” Brewer would absolutely be the kind of person to gift his crush a bottle of wine in an elaborate courting gesture. 
> 
> Come scream at me about these two idiots on tumblr: [dinnfameron](https://dinnfameron.tumblr.com/)


	3. Glam Picnic Vibes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David's tentative friendship with Patrick is going well. Until Patrick sends David on a shopping trip that has him questioning everything.

David was still in bed. Well, he was back in bed. Alexis had awoken him when she returned from her run by “accidentally” slamming the door a little too loudly. He’d begrudgingly hauled himself into the bathroom for his morning skincare ritual, but he’d opted to burrow back under the covers once he was finished. The sun streaming through the thin motel curtain was a little too bright, and he wasn’t ready to face the day quite yet.

He spent a few minutes scrolling his social channels before pulling up his messaging app. He was going to send Stevie some random meme he’d found, but he got distracted when he realized that his most recent exchange had actually been with Patrick.

And, okay, he hadn’t been so drunk last night as to not remember talking to Patrick. But he was somewhat fuzzy on the details. He read back through their conversation, turning his head to groan into the pillow in embarrassment.

He wondered if there would ever come a time when he wasn’t saying just the absolute stupidest shit to Patrick. He shook his head and started typing. 

**_Okay I need to say something._ **

As always, it only took a moment for Patrick’s reply to come through.

_(PATRICK) Good morning to you too, David._

_(PATRICK) I’m listening._

**_I’m sorry I said you were snuggly in your sweatpants._ **

_(PATRICK) Oh?_

**_I was a little wine drunk at 5 p.m. and I don’t make good choices when that happens. Historically._ **

_(PATRICK) That makes sense._

**_I understand if you regret giving me your number now._ **

_(PATRICK) I don’t regret giving you my number. I think you’re funny when you’re wine drunk at 5 p.m._

_(PATRICK) I think you’re funny all the time, truth be told._

**_Mmkay not sure if you mean that or you’re making fun of me, but I’m choosing to take it as a compliment._ **

_(PATRICK) Oh you definitely should._

David smiled at his phone. Apparently Patrick didn’t care that he said stupid shit all the time. He seemed to like it, even. Maybe David wouldn’t have to spend his life hiding in this room like some sort of more fashionable Emily Dickinson after all. He kicked the bedding off himself and moved to assemble an outfit from his cedar chest.

++++

He texted Patrick a lot after that. Or, maybe Patrick texted him. It was difficult to say, really, who was texting who; it was more of a continual conversation rather than something that began or ended. David complained to Patrick about Alexis or Stevie picking on him, his parents being obtuse, or customers who were rude and demanding. Patrick told David about his own family, his new job and the people he met, and, mostly, teased David relentlessly for complaining all the time.

Once, Patrick learned that David was averse to sports and proceeded to text his running commentary on an entire baseball game just to rile him up. So, naturally, David had to gift Patrick with his own commentary on the cinematic masterpiece that was _13 Going on 30_ the next night.

**_Honestly, Jennifer Garner’s range is so underappreciated_ **

_(PATRICK) She’s pretty good._

**_Also Mark Ruffalo can seriously get it._ **

_(PATRICK) I mean, you’re not wrong._

**_Oh realLY??_ **

_(PATRICK) Lol and on that note I should really go to bed._

_(PATRICK) To sleep I mean._

**_No, I think we should unpack that._ **

_(PATRICK) Goodnight, David ;)_

Their conversations had taken this turn more frequently than not lately, David realized: Patrick would drop some flirty line or bit of innuendo to hang in the air and then dance away from it, and David didn’t know what to do with that. Because, yes, talking to Patrick was nice. But doing more than talking with Patrick would also be nice. Except David didn’t know how to ask for that without running the risk of losing talking privileges altogether, and so he just… hadn’t.

When Patrick had pulled that slick AF number drop move, giving him the wine with the little note attached, David felt like it meant something. Much as it surprised him that someone with Patrick’s, um, _style_ would be into someone with his own flair for haute couture, it’d seemed like an obvious sign that Patrick was, at the very least, interested.

And with both Stevie and Alexis on the same page, offering their assurances that Patrick was (“inexplicably,” Alexis offered) into David, he’d assumed something would happen between them. Something other than lengthy text convos and meme exchanges. But here they were, two weeks deep into their… acquaintanceship? And David had resigned himself to a strictly platonic-banter-based friendship with Patrick.

But he wasn't one to dwell. He could be friends with Patrick without having to be all _pining_ and _repressed_ about it.

+++++

_(PATRICK) You’re working today, right?_

**_Still holding out hope that Prince Harry will ditch Megs and come carry me away to a land where I don’t have bills to pay, but barring that happening, yes, I will be working today._ **

_(PATRICK) Well, I'm rooting for you & Harry._

**_TY_ **

David balanced his phone on the tiny vanity in the motel bathroom. It was the morning after the Mark Ruffalo incident, and he'd just been getting ready to start his shift. He finished his skincare routine, grabbed his shoes, and perched on the end of his bed to slip them on. His phone dinged with a new offer from the Bagged app, followed shortly by a text notification. Seeing the text was from Patrick, David opened that first.

_(PATRICK) I just put an order in. Will you grab it? It comes with a generous tip._

David's mouth quirked in a sly smile.

**_Yeah idk. I heard that customer was kind of demanding._ **

_(PATRICK) Oh? Well he told me that he'd make it worth your while._

**_Ughhhh fine._ **

David pulled up the Bagged app and accepted Patrick's order. Being one of three shoppers in the entire zone certainly had its perks sometimes, and he'd heard Gwen was out of town, anyway, visiting a sick relative.

He decided to send Patrick an introduction text just to be a dick.

**_Hi Patrick! This is your Bagged shopper, David. I'm about to begin shopping your order so please don't ask me for anything else, i know how needy you can be. Also i expect like at least a 40% tip and/or some food when i'm done. Thanks for choosing Bagged!_ **

_(PATRICK) Cute._

_(PATRICK) Also I thought I was David?_

David opted not to take the bait on that one and pulled up Patrick's order instead. It was a short list and different from Patrick's previous orders. First of all, he’d ordered a bouquet of flowers? There was also a special request for cheese, and Patrick had added a note to it that simply said 'pick something fancy.' In addition to a box of Breton crackers and prosciutto, presumably to go with the cheese, Patrick also asked for a bottle of zhampagne, some fresh fruit, and chocolate covered espresso beans.

**_Umm what is this order?_ **

_(PATRICK) What do you mean?_

David struggled with what to say. It certainly looked to him like all the ingredients one would need for a romantic date, but David didn’t know if it was his place to ask about Patrick’s dating life.

**_I'm getting, like, glam picnic vibes?_ **

_(PATRICK) Yes, I'm having a glam picnic. Did I not say?_

**_Oh. By yourself, or...?_ **

_(PATRICK) No, with a friend._

**_Oh. So the zhampagne and the chocolate. Those are also for your friend?_ **

_(PATRICK) That’s correct._

What the actual fuck is happening, David wondered to himself. Was Patrick, like, _romancing_ someone? Oh my god, was he dating someone? He probably was, David thought, suddenly feeling stupid. Patrick was the literal cutest person alive; there was no way he wasn't dating someone. David’s eyes suddenly felt hot. He shook out his hands and tried to get himself under control.

**_Well, look at you go._ **

He didn't say anything else, embarrassed he got his wires crossed. He thought back over their conversations and tried to remember a time when Patrick had even mentioned a friend. He knew Patrick was in a baseball league, but apart from Ronnie, who was actually Patrick's nemesis and very much not a friend, David couldn't remember him mentioning anyone specific.

Of course, just because Patrick hadn't mentioned anyone didn't mean there wasn't someone to mention.

And the flirting? He supposed Patrick could just be one of those people who was flirty all the time. Alexis could be like that, and David knew it had caused some confusion in her friendships before.

David needed to step back, he realized. He shouldn't be texting with Patrick all the time. They could be friends, but David needed space. He needed time to adjust to this new knowledge and establish some boundaries, for his sanity.

Of course, he was still in the middle of shopping Patrick's order. He wasted some time, like a lot of time, at the cheese counter before working up enough courage to text him.

**_So the lady at the cheese counter let me sample this goat cheese with some kind of herb blend running through and its amazing. Would your friend like that?_ **

_(PATRICK) Get whatever you like._

**_Okay but I don't want to pick something that they won't like. It's a lot of pressure._ **

_(PATRICK) I've got a feeling if you like it then it’ll be fine. Although if you're angling to sample more cheese on my behalf, then you have my permission._

**_Okay. And yes I have sampled like 20 cheeses. I just wanted to be sure I was getting the best option._ **

_(PATRICK) Thank you, I know that was a hardship for you._

It made him itch, this flirty Patrick, now that he knew it was just how Patrick talked to people. But he, maturely, did not respond. Until he had to text Patrick regarding the floral selection.

**_What about the flowers? Does your friend have a favorite?_ **

_(PATRICK) Whatever you like, David._

David almost went off on that. Because Patrick had David shopping for his paramour, and he was going to give that person the flowers that David picked out, and that just wasn’t right. He grabbed a hideous dyed daisy job in neon colors, because he could maintain his professionalism _and_ be spiteful at the same time. 

David picked up the chocolate covered espresso beans and zhampagne on his way to check out and sent a brief message letting Patrick know he'd be there soon.

++++

Just once, David thought he'd like to be on the way to Patrick's without having a giant ball of nervous energy in his stomach. After he knocked on the door, he shook himself out a little, trying to clear the tension that had settled between his shoulder blades. He pasted on a bright smile as the door opened.

"Hi."

"Hi. Won’t you come in?" Patrick’s smile was broad, reaching all the way across his face as he stepped back to let David through. "Was everything okay at the store?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know. You just…didn't text as much as you usually do.” Patrick shrugged. “I thought something happened."

"No, no." David started unloading the bags. He needed something to do with his hands. 

"Hey, let me do that." Patrick crossed the tiny kitchen and swatted David’s hands away.

"Oh, sorry."

"You sure you're okay?” Patrick gave him a sidelong glance. “You seem weird."

"I'm not weird; you're weird," David threw out defensively, crossing his arms over his chest, but Patrick only chuckled.

"Okay."

"Um, so when is your friend getting here? Or, are you going... there. To your friend's? Or are you going out somewhere, you and your friend…?"

Patrick gave him a strange look, then smiled as though David had told a joke and he’d just gotten the punchline. "Oh, he'll be here soon."

"I see. It's just,” David hunched his shoulders and moved closer to the wall. He suddenly felt the need to appear very small. “I didn't know that you had a special friend. You never mentioned him."

"Didn't I?" Patrick pulled two stemless wine glasses from a cabinet by the fridge and placed them next to the zhampagne on the counter.

"No, you did not."

Patrick hummed distractedly and pulled a plate from the same cabinet. He started arranging the crackers, cheese, and prosciutto in neat little alternating sections around the plate. It was all very cute and domestic and David was getting increasingly annoyed, for some reason.

"Well, he's not technically my _special_ friend," Patrick confessed, tossing David a mischievous smile as he laid the plate carefully on the kitchen table. "Yet." He opened the chocolate covered coffee beans and popped one into his mouth, offering the container to David. "Although I'm hoping after today, he might be." 

"I see," David took one of the proffered beans but didn't eat it. He rolled it in his palm, thinking about what Patrick had just said. So he hadn’t been seeing anyone, but he was going to start seeing someone. Today. As soon as David left. "Well, I should probably go then."

Patrick smiled briefly at him again before a cloud of confusion settled over his face.

"What?"

"Yeah, I shouldn't be here when he gets here. That would be... confusing, so. I'll just go. You can give me my tip some other time, or not. I – I don't need one, actually." David backed toward the door as he spoke. He needed to get out of there, now.

Patrick crossed the room and wrapped his hand around David's arm, his fingertips gripping with just enough pressure to keep him from escaping.

"Wait. Don't-"

"No, it's okay. I don't want to keep you from your date, I'll just-"

Patrick was squinting at him, a small crease between his eyebrows, his face an almost comical display of confusion.

"David. You're the date. You get that, right?"

"I - what?"

Patrick continued, speaking slowly. "You're the special friend." He swept his arm toward the kitchen space, the picnic in various stages of assembly. "I got all this for you."

"No, you said- You did?" David’s brain did a quick reboot as he tried to process what he was hearing.

"Of course. Wait, did you - did you really think there was some other guy?” Patrick smiled fondly at him. “David, I thought you were doing a bit."

"No I wasn't doing a bit!" David was a little hysterical now, relief and annoyance battling it out inside him. "Were you doing a bit?"

"Yes!" Patrick sounded a touch hysterical too, his voice going up in exasperation.

"Oh!" David exclaimed dumbly. "Well, how was I supposed to know that?"

Patrick pressed his lips together, David assumed to keep himself from laughing at him.

"I'm sorry. I thought I was being very obvious." 

"Okay, well, so." David's brain started to catch up to the conversation. Patrick did this for him. Patrick wasn’t seeing some random. It was David; David was the random. He waved his hands toward the general vicinity of the kitchen area. "So, what you're saying is. This picnic is for me?"

Patrick huffed softly, a relieved smile on his face that likely matched David's own. "Yes." He gripped David’s arm again, the slightest pull of pressure. "Is that okay?"

"Mmhmm," David said, because he was incapable of saying anything else. He nodded emphatically, reaching his arms out to drape them over Patrick's shoulders and clasp his hands loosely behind his neck. “That is very okay.”

Patrick’s relief was tangible as he took a step closer to David, moving his hands to settle at David’s waste. “Oh, good.” 

“So, then, you _were_ flirting with me, this whole time. Like, you liked me?”

“Could you seriously not tell? Or are you just fishing for compliments now?”

“I mean, I thought you were, but then sometimes I wasn’t sure?” Patrick’s hands were skating softly up and down his sides, and David struggled to hold onto his train of thought. “And then I thought maybe you were just, um, one of those people who’s, like, super flirty with everyone.”

“David. I’m like the worst at flirting with people. I mean, obviously, since you literally thought I was doing all this for some other guy.”

“Okay, well. Now I know. So you were into me from the very beginning.” He meant it to be a question but realized after he’d said it that it didn’t sound like one.

“Please.” Patrick moved in even closer, his voice going impossibly soft, though his eyes still held that mischievous gleam. “You had me at 'I love you, now please thanks wine.'”

David’s answering laugh was cut short when Patrick kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guyyyys, it’s done! *\o/* 
> 
> I feel like I lost the flow a little bit with this chapter? But then I realized that happens a lot in new relationships, so I decided to use it. Sometimes it takes two people a while to figure things out, especially when they’re both clueless dumbasses. I did not know it was gonna go this way, but they got there eventually. Patrick’s picnics do not go as planned in any universe.
> 
> Thank you for reading, kudosing, commenting, etc.!!!! It means so, so, so very much that people are vibing with it. 
> 
> Come find me on tumblr: dinnfameron. <3


End file.
